Hello, friend.
Gaaah. April is just crazy. Every single year, I think.
Last time I sat down to send something to you, I spoke about surrendering to the light half of the year - and how it’s not really been in my nature to do that in the past, since I’m a deeply-in-love-with-autumn kind of girl. But, this year, as I move though the seasons and months, following my own inner wisdom inspired by my oracle card rituals, I find myself being more deeply connected with each month as it passes as I focus on each card of the month. Including these spring months, which have before felt so foreign and uncertain to me. But, this year, my oracle card inspirations are giving me a certain vibe and an anchor to return to, one month at a time, should I feel off course or a bit untethered.
And, I gotta say. I’m feeling a bit all over the place right now.
I feel as if I am drifting right now, but not in a calm, relaxed, meaningful way. More like drifting off, drifting away. Almost as if I have drifted from my anchor. Have I actually become untethered? Or have I simply lost faith with the knowledge that my anchor is keeping me safely connected?
The card I pulled for April is the TEND card. Super appropriate for the month when gardens and forests begin to bloom and bud, I think. A reminder to get my hands and feet in the dirt. To observe and appreciate the earth as she wakens and comes alive again. And to care for our plants and animals in whatever little ways we can. To be active in the unfurling of nature during this fleeting, breathtaking season.
Of course, at the beginning of the month I also thought about how this month’s card is an invitation to tend to ourselves as we also awaken and come to life again.
What that meant or how badly I would need that was something I could have never really guessed as I stood at the doorway of April and crossed over the threshold into spring.
But, with this feeling of untethered-ness leaving me wondering if I am still anchored or not, I think that I need to check things one again. As a new week begins, I need to take care of myself and tend to those things that keep me grounded and stable and anchored.
Because life is life-ing lately, my friend. The rising energy is no joke. And, I’m not just observing and appreciating it all around me, I am personally feeling it each and every day as I constantly shift back and forth between energies. It’s not easy for a slow, moody lover of the quiet, mystical dark. But I think that this spring energy is what has gotten me feeling all untethered and drifty all of the sudden. Spring tends to do that to me, I believe. Because it clashes with the way that my soul whispers for me to live and be. And it causes a sense of unbalance and confusion within me, as the two energies collide with each other. The slow energy of my soul and the active energy of spring. And I find myself wondering…
How do I live slowly while also letting each day be fully lived?
The age old battle for an autumn girl in the middle of spring - even when she’s loving and living spring much more deeply for a change. And, I think that this is exactly what I need to tend to as April slowly begins to wind down. Figuring out how to live in the energy of the season, while still being true to my moody, slow soul.
I love my slow rituals and routines. I love having time to read and write and ponder and do nothing. But, this year, I also love soaking in all that is happening and being fully present in the wild, alive moments of this lively, wild spring as well.
My problem seems to be that I go all in - focusing on one thing or the other. Giving all of my attention to everything that’s happening, or slowing my pace way down so much that all of my attention is just on being quiet and slow and still. It feels as if it’s always one of the other for me: Fast or slow. Busy or calm. It feels choppy instead of flow-y. Either yin or yang. Never a satisfying balance of the two. And that leaves me feeling untethered, unfocused, and as if I’m drifting further and further away from my anchor.
Is there a way to hold space for both at the same time? Is there a way to be both an autumn soul and a spring lover?
This rhythm of fast or slow is usually something that holds for a few intense days for me. I’m either all in or all out, fully committing to being present to the activities around me or fully cocooned in my own quiet space. And something about this doesn’t feel right to me. I want to create space for slow, cocooning moments of rituals and meditation and alone time right in the middle of a busy, full life filled with work and people and activity. Not a week of quiet solitude and then a week of social wildness. That feels like too much to me. I often become so fully focused on life and work and activity that, when things shift and slow down, I need to disappear for a while in order to rest and reconnect.
I don’t think that I have an answer for this dilemma, though. I think it is just the ever elusive plight of a Libra - seeking balance in it all. Still, I feel like it is a worthy pursuit. Or, rather, it is something that I must do. A calling, perhaps in the journey of my life. Seeking balance. Learning to navigate through active, exciting times and at the same time, keeping myself anchored to those much-needed slow, quiet times as well. Ultimately, I suppose this journey through the seasons is simply me learning to be me.
This spring, since I am experiencing the season in such a different way than before, I feel that it is my mission to trust that my anchor is holding me. My roots are strong and deep. And the rising energy of spring is exactly what is meant to be right now.
The wisdom of this season is teaching me that the energy of spring is not that different from the energy of autumn. The only difference is that one focuses on outer action and one focuses on inner action. There is not one or the other. There is not either/or. There is actually just energy. Autumn is dropping down into my own energy. Spring is allowing my own energy to rise up.
Just after writing the previous section, I happened to stumble across a quote from the empowering, life-giving book, Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés.
Solitude is not an absence of energy or action, as some believe, but is rather a boon of wild provisions transmitted to us from the soul. In ancient times, as recorded by physician-healers, religious and mystics, purposeful solitude was both palliative and preventative.”
Appearing as if a message from both my soul and the universe, this quote sums up everything that I have been trying to say and understand this spring season, when everything feels so different for me.
Instead of being a time of trying to figure out how to find balance between activity and slow living, instead of thinking of myself as being adrift and untethered, instead of trying to balance it all, perhaps this spring I am learning that activity and energy are one in the same all year round, that I am always anchored and rooted and grounded, and that everything is in balance.
In other words, there is nothing for me to do. Nothing for me to figure out. Nothing for me to balance. No reason for me to worry. The key is remembering that it is all activity, it is all energy. Everything. All the time. Through all the seasons.
And, for me, this is the year of embodying my new era of magic and wonder and wisdom. This is the month for tending to my soul. For just being and trusting and moving through the days and weeks, giving my attention to whatever happens in each moment. To letting those moments of action, whether it be outward or inward action, simply come and go. To embracing those moments of quiet solitude as inner action and those moments of community and gathering as outer action. All of it is sacred, healing, inspiring life.
What I hope to continue to discover as the growing seasons unfolds is what energy wants to rise up from me. What energy alchemized within me during the dark months of winter when I focused on my inner work? And how does it want to be born and shared now that we are awake and alive in the light half of the year? What actions and energy do I have to share with you? And what do you have to share with me? What moments of life and love and community and quiet are waiting to be discovered and experienced as we move deeper into spring?
I think that for the rest of April, in order to tend to my soul, I’ll just lean into whatever comes my way. I’ll trust that my anchor is strong, that my roots are deep, and that my soul is calm. I’ll release the need to find balance and instead trust that, as long as I simply stay true to who I am, everything is already balanced. I do not have to do anything this season. Just be in sync with my soul, listen to the song of nature and move with the dance of the cosmos. The rhythm of it all is already there.
I’ll be in touch again when it’s time to welcome the beautiful month of May. Until then, wishing you pink blossoms and blue skies.
xoxo. liz.
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