The ritual of the 12 blessings
My annual Thanksgiving tradition. 12 months. 12 moments. 12 blessings.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend!
Some time ago, I decided to look back over the past 12 months and find 12 moments for which I am extra grateful. It started off as a quirky, fun here’s-what-I’m-grateful-for Thanksgiving blog post. But over the years, this little Thanksgiving ritual of mine has grown into a much deeper reflection on how I have moved through the seasons throughout the past year.
In the week leading up to Thanksgiving, I now carve out some time and create space for me to really look back over the year, note the significant moments, and dig deep to find the blessings that have unfolded and evolved as the seasons have passed by. It has become a yearly summary of those most memorable moments that have touched me throughout the past year. And, always, no matter what, I find that there are plenty of blessings wrapped up in all kinds of moments and memories.
So, here I am today. Ready to look back over the past year, all the way to last Thanksgiving. And, honestly, I know that this one is gonna be a tough one.
It’s been a very tough year. Filled with all kinds of grief and sadness. And, that has made all of the slow, simple, peaceful moments, unfolding alongside the pain, even more sweet.
Over the past 3-4 years, as my wife and I have grieved and exhausted our bodies and souls, we have also learned how to allow our grief live alongside the beauty of everyday life. We have learned that it is all intertwined - that life is grief and love, light and dark, life and death, all cycling and existing and moving together at all times.
So, here are the 12 months of 12 blessings of the past year - filled with grief and darkness and death, but also filled with love and light and life.
December 2022: The one with the holiday covid.
In true winter hibernation mode, the holiday festivities screeched to a halt when my wife and I both ended up with a 2 week bout of our first experience of Covid. Perhaps, though, the rest and isolation was exactly what was needed. I found a simplicity and coziness all December long.
January 2023: The one with the not so gentle start
I don’t choose a word of the year. And, this year, I decided to set only one intention: to move gently into 2023. The past years have been filled with disappointments and loss, so I remember being cautiously hopeful at the beginning of this year. However, January offered me a lesson to on being gentle with myself, as my wife and I soared to the ultimate high (finally pregnant again!) to the ultimate low (a miscarriage on our next to last try). Gently navigating the ups and downs… a tough blessing that would only be learned as the year moved on.
February 2023: The one that was pure survival mode
February is tough. Imbolc is a beautiful festival celebrated on the first day of the month, and it harkens us toward spring. The light begins to change, the days grow a teeeeny bit longer, and I can feel my soul slowly waking from winter’s deep rest. It should be a lovely month, but it’s always a challenge for me. Every year. This year was two years since we lost our sweet baby. And I found out an old love of mine, who influenced everything about who I am, passed away, leaving a hole in my soul that just feels so empty. With the heavy sadness I felt all month, finding balance and getting grounded was how I survived. Yoga, observing the magic of the earth slowly stirring as winter began to wane, finding reasons to celebrate everyday life, and making time for weekend travels of inspiration with my love - the blessings that saved me.
March 2023: The one with a tiny bit of hope
Spring! Even with the snow, spring! The morning sunrise returned to my balcony, a sure sign that the days are lengthening and the seasons are changing. I worked, I wrote, I listened for the birds, I basked in the soft, quiet snow. March was a deep sigh of relief.
April 2023: The one with the trip to France, a little bit of spring, and one last try
After an inspiring week-long trip to France with work and our annual Easter/Ostara celebrations, my wife and I turned toward our one last try to get pregnant again. We’ve been in this process since 2020. And, if you caught it in February’s reflection above, we had to say goodbye to our first pregnancy fairly late two years ago. It was devastating. But, we kept trying. Unsuccessfully, until January. Which also ended sadly, but much earlier. After three years of living in 2 week periods and shifting from hope to despair constantly, we made the decision last autumn to try 3 more times. The last day of April would be our last try. So, we traveled up to Uppsala (where our clinic was, since we used to live there), stayed with friends, celebrated the Swedish Beltane, and prayed for a miracle.
May 2023: The one that wasn’t at all what we expected
May came, spring was truly here, and summer was right around the corner. I felt hope and light and excitement as the month began. But, soon, things turned. All in the same week, my dad was put in the hospital and we found out that we were not pregnant, ending our baby journey. We booked a weekend in Stockholm - just to get away, take care of ourselves, and settle into our grief. I was on the phone with my family constantly, checking on how my dad was. In Stockholm, we received news that things turned for the worse with my dad, so sitting on the sidewalk, drinking a beer, trying to handle on our grief, Lina and I contacted our bosses and booked flights to the the States for the next day. Of course, it was also Lina’s birthday. In any case, filled with fear and anger and sadness, we spent a crazy (but super grateful to be together) week in the States with my family - and then returned home just in time for May to be over. Still carrying unprocessed grief with us.
June 2023: The one where I tried to find balance
In June, the summer vibes are real here in Sweden. The days are super long and the nights are bright and glowy. The midnight sun has returned. Everything feels alive and fresh and golden. So, I decided to embrace it all. My wife and I focused on soaking up the sun’s healing light. I rested when I wasn’t at work. We spent long nights on the balcony discussing how we want our life to be, how we want to live, where we want to live, and searched for new dreams in our new, childless reality. At the same time I was constantly in touch with my family, things were worrisome and unstable with my dad. I tried to just stay balanced and flow with it all. Feel it all.
July 2023: The one with the chaotic summer vacation
Four weeks of vacation - I am so grateful for living in Sweden and being able to enjoy 4 weeks of paid vacation. The plan had been to spend it in the States with my family. We bought tickets long before we knew about my dad, ending our baby process, and everything else. Of course, now the trip would be completely different.
My vacation literally started with a black crow crashing into our window right in front of my eyes and then laying on our balcony for 24 hours (we called and arranged for someone to come and get him). The symbolism of change and death was not lost on me. Curt (we named him Curt) flew away at some point, because suddenly he was gone. The next day, we drove to spend the day in the archipelago in Sweden and then we headed to the States for 3.5 weeks of pure chaos.
As chaotic and painful as it was, I will always be deeply grateful for the time I had with my dad in July. Some moments he was aware, and some he wasn’t, but he knew. And so did I. And it was pure bliss to be able to visit him and see and touch and talk with him every day. But, the whole situation was stressful and tough for all of us in the family. We tried to find snippets of joy and lightness. We really did. And, as always, love mingled with grief.
August: The one that was coming home
At the end of our time in the States, we said our goodbyes - I knew in my soul that it would be the last time I would be with my dad, and we spent 2 days in New York City to squeeze in a little time to fill our souls with inspiration and life before heading back home and immediately back to work. It had been a rough time in the States. Coming home felt amazing and horrible all at the same time. But, I sank down into my routines and fought hard to begin to deeply reflect on what it all means (the anger, the grief, the sadness, the joy, the hope).
September 2023: The one that settled my soul
This is when I really drop into my soul. September is the beginning of autumn and everything in me just feels naturally grounded and calmer. Even as sadness and grief swirled around me. It’s my birthday month, so I am also always very reflective all September long. Watching the earth slowly begin to surrender and release and prepare for winter guides me to follow that rhythm and slow it way down as well. I turned to writing a lot more. And returned to yoga. I watched the sun make its last setting from the balcony until March. I celebrated my 49th birthday - not knowing the Facetime I had with my dad that day would be the last time we would talk.
October 2023: The one that changed my world
My dad passed away early in October, a few days after my birthday. I literally felt a shift in the air, the energy, the world. Suddenly his presence was gone and I immediately felt the loss deep in my bones. My wife and I booked flights (our 3rd trip in 6 months) to the States and were there the next day. I spent two weeks with my family and we all just did the things my dad loved best. Roadtrips, dinners out, laughter, adventures, nature, time together. It was perfect.
Back home, I settled back into the dark, melancholic rhythms of autumn, celebrating Halloween (in honor of my dad who loooooved all holidays), All Saint’sDay, and shifting into the mysterious, liminal month of November.
And now it’s Thanksgiving.
Going through this year’s 12 months and 12 blessings ritual has been difficult and cathartic. There have been so many beautiful moments wrapped up in the challenging ones. But, I wonder, isn’t it because of love we feel grief, and because of grief, we know that we have loved? If that is the case, then I couldn’t be any more grateful than I am right now for all of the love that is in my life. All of the inspiration and hope and light.
I have changed since last Thanksgiving. My world has changed. But, I am a deeper version of me. A more grounded and aware version. The seasons have, once again, guided me through the year, reminding and teaching me how to trust and flow with the unfolding of it all. I am nowhere near perfectly aligned, but I am wiser and calmer and more in love with life than ever.
The happiest of holidays to you, my friend. Thanksgiving blessings and love.
xoxo. liz.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and Lina!
Oh Liz, that’s been a tough year for you and Lina. I have so much admiration for you, how you can still find beauty every day and be in love with life. You are a true inspiration! I wish you both many blessings, and that the long circle of loss has come to an end for you. Happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for giving us the gift of sharing your incredible world view!🧡