The cold, crisp air of winter might be just what I need ❄️
A Deep December: Mini-letter #2.
Happy Monday, loves. How was your first December weekend? Festive? Quiet? Or something completely different?
I was texting with a friend last night, who has a lot of going on in her life right now, as I have had/have as well, and asked her that question as well - how has your weekend been? She replied that it was a mix of everything. Things with her dad were really tough and he was admitted to the hospital, but also she and her kids went to look at Christmas lights in an old part of the city.
She asked me about my weekend, and I replied. Same as yours. I had some really low moments this weekend - connected to my grief of the loss of my father 2 months ago. But, I also baked gingerbread cookies with our nieces, had a cozy Christmas movie evening with my wife, went to an Advent service with beautiful music, and took a long, candlelit bath. I cried and felt empty at times. And, I felt deep, deep gratitude and contentment at others.
As I near the end of 2023, I realize even more (as I have said for the past 2-3 years I think) what a beautiful, wild, crazy mess life is.
But, I think that this is what brings about balance in life. That this is life. It is the presence of light and dark, of love and grief, of rest and play, of being and doing, of sun and moon, of winter and summer. It is the rhythm of life on this earth and in the cosmos. Everything cycling and transforming and cycling and evolving.
Perhaps life is not all light (good) or dark (tough, bad), as I heard in the sermon at the service Advent attended yesterday. Yes, we yearn for the warmth and energy of the sun. We yearn for the light. But, we must go through the cold, dark, winter first - and we must to it again every year. Still, I cringe at the words “we must go through the winter”. The idea that we are always waiting on the light and that the dark is only bad does not feel right to me. Is it not possible to embrace and drop into the winter, the dark times, and the grief? Because they are all a part of the life experience that we have while living and breathing and existing in our bodies. And, if we spend half of our time simply waiting for the light to return, then we miss out on so much.
The dark, the grief, the pain, the suffering is not fun. And I’m not saying that we are to just suck it up and deal with it. But, I am wondering what happened if we softened into it? More importantly, what if we used the dark and the grief to transform us? What if we found our way to each other during the dark times? What if we brought light to each other in the midst of our pain and suffering? Isn’t that actually the whole message of Christmas?
Maybe that’s what we are doing when we gather around fires and candlelit tables during the winter. Or when we gather here every other day this December to read the same words and spend some time in reflection. Or when we meet a friend for dinner to talk about the ups and downs of life (like my friend and I are doing after work today). This is what is sacred. This is living the fullness of life.
I do not want to only long for the light. I do not want to only seek some high, spiritual, otherworldly nirvana. I want to live right here. Rooted in the earth, bringing light and love and magic and comfort and joy to everyday life. Right in the middle of the love and grief, through the summer and the winter. I want to find spirit and magic in all of the earthy, messy moments of life.
The card I pulled today is the Spirit of Air. When I turned it over, I immediately felt the energy of the cold, fresh, crisp cleansing air of December. There is something renewing and refreshing about the air of winter. It is invigorating and inspirational. And a reminder that I am still alive.
And, while I still have breath (air) in me, then I want to live. Even in the moments of grief and pain. Even in the dark, silent nights of December. And I want my breath, my life, to also inspire and make others feel alive and loved and comforted. I want to us to meet each other in the dark places, in the dark moments. I do not want to run from the dark, but instead, to let the freezing, fresh winter air transform me and renew me.
This month is a deep one. So, on this dark and freezing Monday morning (it’s 12 F/ -11 C out!), with the cleansing and purifying energy of a new week, I commit myself once again to daring to go deep. To soak in all of the moments. To feel all of the feels. To embrace the winter. To celebrate the holiday with others and to also step away for a few moments all to myself.
How are you feel during the winter? What do you do to balance the messiness and beauty of life? How do you plan to slow down during this December week?
Sending all my love from the cold, dark December air in Sweden.
xoxo. liz.
Beautiful work, Liz. I look forward to winter for the quiet it brings. Especially this year. I’m with you in the unpredictable sea of grief. Sometimes the waves take me. Sometimes I’m just fine. ❄️🛟