Reborn in the middle of a wild, messy moment 🌑☀️ 🌑
new moon | total solar eclipse | moody april magic
Hello, lovely.
It’s a magical day. Not only is it the first new moon of spring, but there is also a total solar eclipse happening literally right now as I type this - though we can’t see it in Sweden. But, before I say anything more about the new moon/solar eclipse, I want to talk a little more with you about April.
In Scandinavia, April always means that winter and spring are at war with each other. There is a constant push-and-pull between the release of winter’s cold, windy grip and the bright, warming sun of spring. It’s back and forth, day after day, all month long - and often even into May. Snow, rain, and chills one day. Blue skies, tiny flowers, and sunshine the next. Honestly, it’s frustrating at times. And wild and messy all of the time.
I’d say that this past week has had all of the classic Swedish April vibes. I’ve experienced everything in the past eight days. Measurable snow, morning birdsong, bone-cold wind, life-giving sunshine, dreary rain, and bright, warm evenings of golden light.
My mood also seems to be at war these days, aligned with the moodiness and messiness of April. Within me there is a push-and-pull between the release of winter’s inward focus and the arrival of spring’s outward-focused energy of coming alive again. And my soul feels a bit messy, to be honest.
You know, I am a girl of the dark half of the year. I love autumn and winter. However, this spring I yearn to bask in the soft, gentle energy of April like I have never yearned before. To truly release all of the dark pain and grief of the past few years. To not ignore it or push it all away, but to reach the point when I feel that all of that pain and grief that I have been carrying around has alchemized and been absorbed into my soul. That it has become part of me.
I am so ready to let it all go. And to truly feel that it is now time to open up, soak in the light, and feel alive again. I long to no longer feel exhausted - and to feel that I need to rest. When I stop and think about it, I feel like I am really, really ready to release the inward season of winter and embrace the season of rebirth and new growth.
But, this won’t happen overnight. I know that. That is the inner war that I am battling right now. My season of wintering is slowly coming to an end. And the season of spring is quietly and slowly sprouting within my soul.
From day to day I feel them both tugging at me - the desire to spring to life again and the deep letting go of all that has been. And I need to make space for them both right now. I need to be patient and trust the process - no matter how slow it is.
Of course, I know that moving from winter’s grief and into spring’s hope is only part of the cycle. Spring is not the destination of my journey, it is simply the next part of an ongoing cycle. Spring is a season that will soon unfold into summer, and then into autumn, and then, once again, into winter again.
Nature teaches us that life is a continuous rhythm of cycling and unfolding. And this is exactly how it is for my own journey as well. There will be all kinds of seasons that I will cycle through - tough ones, beautiful ones, calm ones, challenging ones, devastating ones, life-changing ones, slow ones, active-filled ones, solitary ones, community-focused ones. But that is the hidden beauty in it all, of the seasons of the earth and of the seasons of my life. It’s all there. It’s all a part. The journey, the unfolding, the seasons - they are the purpose, they are life. And I carry all of the lessons and feelings and memories of the winter with me as I enter this spring a much different person than I was last spring.
I woke yesterday morning and thought to myself how disjointed and misaligned my life feels at this moment. On the one hand, my inner life feels full, alive, reborn, inspired, balanced, energetic, and hopeful. On the other hand, my outer life feels very unfocused and more fast-paced at work than I want it to be. I am also still processing the death of my father and how it has affected my life and changed me. And all of this is leaving me feeling depleted and exhausted. It all feels a bit messy. Like my own inner winter-spring war.
But, you know what? Fuck that. There is no need to put myself down, feel bad or dwell on what I have or have not done. It’s ok for it all to feel messy right now. April is often messy. And, honestly, I have been wintering. For a long time. And it has been so damn rough. I am exhausted. And I have needed rest and recuperation. I still need it, but perhaps I need it a little less. My soul is telling me, as she has been for months now, that this winter is completely over very soon. And spring has already begun arriving. It as if my soul has been reborn and is now slowly, almost unnoticeably, starting to blossom.
And you know what? That disjointed and misaligned feeling I am experiencing is actually not disjointment and misalignment at all. It is, in fact, my life aligning perfectly with the rhythms and energies of April.
For me, this April is for fully immersing myself into the battle of the seasons - both in nature and in my soul. This month is simply the transition, the unfolding of the next phase, the next season, the next era. And I want nothing else except to allow myself to gently accept and softly flow through it all - letting trust, wisdom, and courage guide me from day to day.
Perhaps the magic that is found in April is the ability to hold space for it all. To accept the winter snow and the blooming flowers at the same time. To allow winter to slowly retreat and to welcome in spring with open arms. To dig deep so that the sadness and grief has a quiet place be; but to also make space to let the laugher and love fill my life as well.
This past week, I have been surrounded by not only my own difficult moments, but also the grief and sadness and tough moments of others’ lives. I’ve been to a funeral, where my wife sang the most magical farewell song to the deceased. I’ve texted and supported a friend during a very scary and painful time in her family. And I’ve hugged the neck of a friend as she said a heartbreaking goodbye to a beloved family member.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this messiness of real life, I can feel the season of spring whispering to me that it is time to rise up from my wintering. My season of hibernating is ending. There is much work that I can do. There is a community that I am meant to build. There is a message of hope that I feel called to share. There is a slow, mindful, rhythmic way of life that I am meant to live and teach. There is a life to live.
This April, I’m letting it all come. The tears of sadness and the tears of joy. The nights of exhaustion and the nights of celebration. I will find peace and life and calm right in the middle of it all. And, when I cry, I will sit and cry. I will stay with those around me who may cry. And, when I want to dance, I will dance. I will laugh, and be silly.
Today is a new moon, the perfect time for beginning again. It is also the day of a total solar eclipse (seen only in some places in North America). The sun will go completely dark, covered by the new moon as she passes between the earth and the sun. I feel like there is some potent magic in this day. If there is any day to celebrate rebirth, to welcome in spring, to let winter go, and to begin again, then this is it.
In April all of the earth is reborn. Under the dark new moon and the total solar eclipse something new is beginning. A new way of living life. Fully immersed in the totality and magic of it all. And I want to be a part of it all.
Blessed sacred new moon, my friend. May you also find yourself being reborn in the middle of April’s wild, moody moments of everything all at once.
xoxo. liz.
You have done it yet again. Speaking the words I needed hear that reflection exactly how I feel. I'm so happy I found your page 💛
❤️ ❤️ ❤️